Can't Replace You!

As I close in on a whole year here in Georgia it's hard not to be sentimental and consider the changes I've made. Some I wasn't prepared for and some I made whole-heartedly! The biggest change I can't seem to deal with is the people around me. No one measures up to the friends that surrounded me at home. It's hard not to compare this life with that one. No church seems good enough, no pastor quite like Pastor Steve or Chuck. No hug seems quite as genuine and no lunch date encourages me the same. Home really is wherever you are but the people are not. I keep waiting for them to be replaced. As you can see from previous posts I have often wondered why I'm here when it didn't turn out the way I planned. Staying in the South seems like a sacrifice at this point in time, it's not really where I want to be but we don't always get what we want and unless God buys me a plane ticket home I'm here for the long haul. Last week I realized I was still living the transplant life. I was still hoping to have a reason to get out, to run home. But if "Anne's" departure didn't evict me from this state maybe I really am meant to be here. So it's time to lay down roots. To find a church, while it will never measure up to a home church that once played such a drastic role in my life, I can still learn, and partake in a community of other Christians. Next month I'm moving in with another girl from school and she has such a heart for community and togetherness I know we can really thrive in that aspect together. While life here doesn't seem ideal I can see myself growing to like it. Much has settled down and with "Anne" being out of town all summer it's been quiet. I work all day and spend a lot of time with the boys in the evenings. Especially since my summer roommate (who is quite awesome) is also Jason's girlfriend. (Seriously, the irony is not lost to any of us...) I can finally laugh again, not as before, but the sun is beginning to shine again. Thank you Jesus!


(Written 7/9/2012)

I Left My Home in Georgia

"Home" is an interesting concept. Some say, "Home is where the heart is." But if that's true then I am 2000 miles away from home. I guess you could say that my heart is really with God and my home is with Him. But if we're sticking to Earth then it's in California. I don't regret my decision to move to Georgia. That is a choice though. I choose not to regret this decision. I choose to believe that this is a season of life and will have an ending just like all other seasons. I have to choose this. Every day. If I don't, depression gets the best of me. I have never felt so alone or apart from life as I do here.

(Written 5/13/2012)

All Out Bitch Fest

Once upon a time 2 girls became college roommates. Then shit hit the fan. The end. It's a well known fact that girls are capable of being vicious to other girls in ways that we would, otherwise, never treat another human being. We know how to hurt each other deeply. Men seem to have the ability to argue and put it away. A few punches and it's over and done. They will be friends forever. However girls have a way of cutting each other down that goes back to biblical times. My currently story is nothing less than an all out bitch fest. I will say I did my best to keep my cattiness to a minimum but hey, truthfully, we are all daughters of Eve.

I wish I could say I understood where it all started to go wrong. If I knew what had happened I could fix it or at least say, "well I tried." but unfortunately that is not the case here. We will rename my roommate, just in case and call her...Anne. The school connected Anne and I as we both were planning to live off campus. As many of you have heard first hand, I was so incredibly thankful for Anne in my life. She was outgoing, friendly and hardly "prude" which was a slight fear of mine considering I was attending a small private college in backwoods Georgia. From a few vague conversations I could tell Anne had a traumatic event happen in her childhood which still had its hold on her so many years later. I honestly hoped that I could be a trusted shoulder and open ears for her as we grew our friendship. As I've mentioned before my past isn't exactly spotless, some of which I had no control over and that is the exact reason I wanted to be here in the first place. To pour my life into hurting women. I had high hopes for Anne and my's friendship. I struggled on my own with my place here in college, adapting to so much change and distance from home and my failed expectations of what this new chapter in life would be but Anne and I remained constant friends. We both have similar traumatic events happen in life and I knew it wasn't easy for either of us to let our guards down but I had hoped and prayed it would soften over time. For awhile we were all each other had here. The problem is, while I was living with my heart open, Anne was not who she pretended to be. She plays the part so many "religious" women do. She acts sweet, innocent, Godly, wholesome. And she does it incredibly well. Maybe I was blinded by my own troubles but I never saw it until it was too late. I suppose that's being dramatic but just wait. The story gets better! Soon after Christmas break Anne changed. She started being rude and passive-aggressive towards me. At first I thought it was me. What the heck had I done? So I shied away from her. I stopped seeking her out to watch movies with me or eat dinner together. But, looking back, I see that those actions only fueled her meanness. Around the same time I had my car repossessed. (that's a WHOLE other tear-jerking story.) And Anne continued in her quest to be underhanded and mean at any possible moment. She was sneaky about it though. It was never outright and forward. She would make me beg her for rides to school even though we were on campus the exact same times every day and then again when it was time to go home. If I didn't out right ask her she would leave without me. Soon living with her was depressing and unbearable. She was just so horrible to be around and I couldn't understand. To top it off the only other students I spent anytime with since I started working full time was our neighbors Jason and Tyler. I adore those boys and for awhile the 4 of us did a lot together. We called it "family time." Suddenly Anne and Jason were not talking to each other but she wouldn't tell me why. So now the boys are banned from our apartment and I have to choose between their friendships and supporting my roommate. I chose Anne. I even told her that her friendship comes before boys. Because isn't that what most girls want to hear from their girlfriends? "You are my friend before some stupid boy that hurt your feelings." Although I didn't understand her new found hatred for Jason I desperately hoped to patch things up between us and willingly stood by her. It's hard not to feel bitter after you're tricked by someone you trust. Women who find out their husbands have whole other family in another state or kids who find out they were adopted must have incredible trust issues! I thought I had finally gotten over my trust issues. I hate when people say "Everything happens for a reason." That's crap. Is there a reason a girl gets raped but a trusted family friend? Is there a reason kids starve to death every day? However I do believe God is always in control and while I don't understand why Anne was put in my life I trust Him. Eventually living with Anne become unbearable and I started to consider moving home to California. I couldn't take her anymore but I had nowhere else to go. Eventually she just moved out. One day while I was at work she gathered her mom and brother and moved out. It was like losing a sibling, or a husband. Suddenly my giant apartment was so empty. So many things unsaid, how could someone just walk away without any explanation knowing that their leaving would ultimately end in your own fall? I couldn't pay for our apartment alone but had nowhere else to go and no car to drive me to another place, even if I could. I feel so hopeless. What good could come of such pain and hurt? What am I doing all alone in this stupid state anyways?
(Written 5/4/2012)

Crossroads without a map

Ever feel like your life is at a point where it's just you...standing at a fork in the road? I feel like my life is all hanging on one big decision? My flesh so incredibly desires the "American Dream". I want the corporate job with the fancy desk and the business lunches and 6am conference calls. I dream of the Starbucks line every morning and the last minute business trips. I long for a closet full of office attire and pretty heeled shoes.
The Christian inside me sees the emptiness in all those desires. It's all worldly...it's all for nothing? Or is it? Is there a way to combine the 2 sides of me? The side that so desperately desires the high life and the heart that longs to beat for Christ? Can my life have both? If not then how do I change? I have prayed for God to change my heart...but I'm not really sure what I would want Him to change it to? Change my heart from worldly desires to His work? What does that mean? Does "dying to ones self and taking up your cross" actually mean for us to live a life we don't desire in hopes that Heaven will be better? (Knowing Heaven is better is not the question...of course it is.) But do I live this life unhappy? Are those that choose to work the 9-5 corporate life not working for Him? All I have are questions today. Which way do I go? Do I have to choose?
(Written 1/2012)

Thanksgiving and not giving

Last week I attended a new church just to visit. The pastor of this new church-plant was my high school pastor in California. As he spoke my heart began to hurt. I was reminded why the church I grew up in was so toxic. It fell victim to complacency. There was no example to live by. The pastor had some funny antics about the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. What he did with his family and some funny stuff about his mother-in-law. What I felt missing was the leadership example so many desperately need to see. What was done to help a local homeless shelter? Or who in the church body, that is alone, was invited to join you and your family? During this holiday, which is all about being thankful, what are we doing to help those around us?
As a visitor to this church I may have just come in on a week they didn't talk about their involvement in the community but it did reminded me of why I left everything and everyone behind to pursue an education in bible, church and ministry. I want my life lived as Christ lived. I want to lead by example and I don't ever want to be complacent. My soul longs to live as if nothing matters more than showing Christ's love to everyone around me. My flesh gets in the way of that soul deep desire, every second of every day. But it did make me sad that although years had gone by between the last time I saw this pastor that part of his ministry had not changed. He, as well as the rest of the church, are the reason I left. They literally kicked me out when I needed love and compassion the most. But after almost 8 years I have forgiven them their part in that and was hopeful of a possible future in this new church. How can I desire to get involved in church where I don't trust or believe in the foundations of it or it's pastor? How many sit in church on Sunday listening to a pastor who is an incredible speaker? Men like Joel Osteen and women like Beth Moore are incredible speakers. They get the point across and they have a way of convicting us while we sit there in front of them. Weirdly enough...we pay them to make us feel guilty! We sign up for their bible study groups and we buy their video's and CD's to watch at hope. All to feel that conviction. It's as if we are addicted to the conviction. We feel convicted so we react. Suddenly we realize the need for giving so we write our church a big check and promise God to start tithing...soon. Or we volunteer but only on a week by week basis we have regular lives after all. And then things settle back down. We miss a weekend or two of volunteering and we keep forgetting our check books at home to write that tithing. I used to love volunteering for my adults group at church at home in California. It often was the highlight of my week to cook for my friends and visitors. But I'd miss a Sunday and then find myself trying to pass the responsibility onto someone else. Each week begging off that I just couldn't do it. Why am I addicted to the feeling of conviction? When my own spiritual life is lacking it's the fire that makes me jump back in line. It never works for long, just like a drug, we come down off it and need another fix to function again.

(Written 12/2/2011)

Would you follow?

For so long I've feared making a mistake in my life. Worrying, "If I take this leap will I fall?" "Will this turn out to be the worst idea I've ever had?" That worry has stopped me from taking many chances. Shane Clairborne says "Why tiptoe through life, only to arrive at death safely?" So I took this chance, spread open my wings, trusted my God, and leapt into the unknown fully trusting and assuming I would learn to fly. Isn't that the cliche? "Spread your wings and you'll learn to fly"? Instead I'm lying flat on my face. I took that leap, attempted that flight but failed. And I'm stunned. Why? How did I get here? I left home so hopeful, so ready to take on this new chapter, following God wherever He took me...in the journey I feel like he left me? I've heard other Christians say they have gone through "valley's" where they didn't feel God closely. Personally I always thought that was a little weird. How can you not FEEL the GOD present?! How can you just wake up one day and lose Him? Doesn't he promise to be with us in those valley's? (Psalm 23:4). Everything I have every known has fallen away. Everything I have built is broken around me. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, I am understanding, even in the slightest, how Job felt. To see everything you've worked hard to build crumble at your feet. And you are powerless before it. How could God allow this kind of despair when  I was following Him? There's a story we never really hear. What happened to the disciples lives  after they left everything to follow him? Did everything they work for up until that time fall away? Did they miss it? When the set out to follow Jesus were they disappointed in the journey? As much as they grew to love Jesus was there every a moment where they wish they had stayed safely in that boat catching fish?
(Written 11/18/2011)

Destruction of the masses

"You are more" - Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

This song popped up on my play list this evening and I sat listening to the lyrics. "You are more than the choices that you've made" resonates with many. Personally, it's a whisper into a past I would so much rather forget. I am more than the mistakes I've made...more than the tears I've cried, more than the shame I fight so hard to hide. I hoped that this move would give me a new start. A place to break free from the shame I once hid. Isn't that what we all want? To know who we are and to truly believe we have been remade new. How often to we really believe this though? I have already met so many students that are hiding unimaginable shame and guilt. Maybe it comes from living in the "Bible Belt" but what I see is petty destruction. These girls would rather tear each other apart than admit they bear the same shame. I have always prayed God would allow the pains of my mistakes to encourage others. If my wounds could save one girl from the destruction I felt would it not be worth it? If Jesus' sacrificed only saved one soul, would it still be worth it? I thought coming here would give me the chance to break free from what was holding me back but instead I only witness destruction and can do nothing but watch. Who would listen to the city girl from California?
(Written 11/2011)

Shoulda...Coulda...Woulda...

So after many weeks of insanity and barely hanging on without an ounce of wine in sight I am finally back only to realize I have started and stopped several posts leading up to my leaving this incredibly dysfunctional state of Georgia. So be prepared...I'm going to post them all at once! I'm home from the South but I have a feeling the South and I aren't finished just yet. But more on that later...

Thrown Under the Proverbial Bus

Have you ever not done something because you don't want your actions to cause someone else harm? You say to your friends, "I can't do that! It would be throwing "so and so" under the bus!" That was how I felt with Katie. I was willing to be patient, wait for her to come around, to deal with whatever her problems are. I thought for sure we'd eventually work things out and I couldn't just run away from her. That would be throwing her under the bus. If I left how would she pay rent or where would she go? I can't do that to her. But she can do it to me.
I came home from work yesterday to find her, her mother and brother moving all of her stuff out of our apartment. Just like that she gave up and left me hanging. Knowing I have no where to go and hardly any money in savings. And yet she doesn't care? How can this be? My heart breaks. It breaks for everything unsaid and the friendship undone. And I just can't help but feel abandoned. 2000 miles from home and the one person that's supposed to be there left. Without a word. I have no idea how to deal with this yet. And in the midst of mountains of homework, full time job and no car I just have to sit and wonder..."what the hell dude?!" I set off on this adventure so sure. Sure that I was following God, sure that this was going to be the greatest adventure ever and definitely sure I would grow closer to my Father. I don't see it. I don't see why this was so wrong?

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'" -Matthew 11:28-30

Spring has Sprung!

It's spring time in Georgia! And I have to admit I'm being smacked in the face with beautiful nature wherever I walk. Since losing my car (long story) last month I have been walking to and from school/work several times a week. It's a little over 2 miles one way and really gives me a chance to see 'nature'. I often tell people that California's do like their nature but we like it neat and clean and surrounded by a fence. We section off nature, pay people to maintain it, charge people to come see it, run around it, walk through it and sit in it. None of this "nature explosion" happening here in Georgia. (You can try to rationalize this and say "What about Yosemite?! It's huge! Still a park, people...still has a fence around it.And last time I was there it was $20 bucks to get it!) In Georgia nature is unruly. It doesn't listen! There are vines growing around trees and over telephone posts, butterfly's the size of my face fluttering about literally IN MY face! It's down right unnerving to this city girl. I am coastal  girl at heart. "Surf, Sun and Sand" is tattooed upon my heart and all this nature is bumming me out. I can appreciate the beauty and watching the sun set over blooming trees and vibrant green grass is stunning to behold but it just doesn't ease my soul the way ocean waves and warn sand does.
Lately, I've spent a lot of time alone. A season of loneliness, if you will. At first I fought God on this trying to make and maintain new and far friendships, keep myself busy socially but He continued to shut those doors. I can not say I fully understand why but I do realize He is teaching me something with this season. I am encouraged to know that although this isn't much fun, like Spring, seasons come to an end. They give way to other seasons of our lives. Loneliness is not something I do well. I'm not that person that likes my alone time on a regular basis but I'm coming to enjoy it. I spend much more time talking to God because of it. I'm learning that while my roommate is hating me (for unknown reasons) and my job is no fun and I have no way of meeting new friends because I work all day every day and don't have a car, I am fine. I haven't fallen apart or had a mental breakdown from being alone.1 Corinthians 16:13 "So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." Often times it's hard to remember that what we are doing isn't for others but for God. It does, however, take the pressure off of us. I have been struggling with my roommate situation these past few weeks. There has been a strange shift just in the past few weeks that has caused Katie and I to distrust each other. I do not know her reasons but for me I am frustrated. I clean, and wash, do dishes, vacuum, mop, sweep and dust our apartment to the point of exhaustion but feel unappreciated and a little used. Those tasks are never reciprocated. And then after feeling grumpy for those reasons her general lack of trust and passive-aggressiveness only serves to irritate me more. I'm ready to yell at her, to storm out or move out and never come back. But what would that accomplish? I can see she is hurting for her own personal reasons and my own ability to let trivial annoyances cloud our friendship will only aid in her distrust! The 1 Corinthians verse came to my email from KLOVE about a week ago and I continually go back to it daily. I need to remember to be still and to trust God above all else. What I do here I do for His glory not my own. I do these things because the need to be done and whatever I do for the least, I do for Him. I am not cut out for Southern living but I do long to serve my God wherever He has me, knowing that eventually, things will change for me. Better or worse, things will be different.

Milestone Birthdays

I am almost 1 week away from my 26th birthday. I know those that have passed this milestone will say, "It's no big deal, wait until you're facing 30!" Except, it's a big deal to me. I never imagined 26. Growing up we look forward to so many of our birthdays. 10 because you're now double digits! 13 because now you are a teenagers! 16 is Sweet Sixteen and 18 because you are finally a grown up! (So you think.) 21 because in the good 'ol US of A's you can drink yourself silly legally. And then somewhere between 21 and 30 you feel a little lost. You're growing wiser but you're still just in your twenties. 22 and 23 were plagued with hospitals, rest and recovery. 23 and 24 were full of wonderful discovery. I found God in some of the realest ways I could ever imagine. I grew so much in those 2 years. Meeting friends I can't imagine my life without and experiencing life with a joy I had never felt before. With 25 came big decisions. I felt it was time to get a plan, make a life. I watched my wonderfully bright, loving, and energetic roommate step closer and closer to a masters degree in something she was so incredibly passionate about and I wondered if I would ever find the same. I started to ask God to search my heart, for something to be passionate about. I don't really know why I've never been able to fully throw myself into anything? I'm sure if I psycho-analyzed myself for an hour or two I could come up with a good enough reason but lets just stick with it was never something I was good at. I love to help. Flittering from here to there. Helping where I can. Making the big picture come to life and moving onto the next thing. But is it possible, even for me, to have a passion without feeling like I'm stuck for forever? I guess we will see? In the mean time I am doing my best to follow wherever God leads on this path to discovering a passion. I will admit the idea of being 26 is scary. I'm as old as the crew on Friends were!! I remember thinking how grown up and cool they were. I so wanted to be them. To aid in this self discovery process I have given in and created my very own 30 before 30 list. (Woot!) Small problem...I can't come up with 30 things! (How's that for not committing?)

1. Have a real savings account – with $5,000 in it.
2. Run a 5K
3. Live abroad for a season (get a passport first…)
4. Throw an epic and lavish dinner party
5. Own a pair of Jimmy Choo heels
6. Learn to speak a foreign language
7. Own my dream car without a loan
8. Go on a wine tasting date in Napa
9. Go on a cruise
10. Ride a motorcycle down 101
11. Get a tattoo from a famous artist
12. Forgive my past
13. Graduate from college
14. Treat myself and a friend to a whole day at the spa
15. Get involved in a non-profit
16. Kiss a cute stranger for no reason
17. Volunteer with sick kids in the hospital
18. Have a valentine
19. Get a hug from Brian Wilson (Giant’s relief pitcher!)
20. Watch snow fall
21. Live in a small flat in San Francisco
22. Jump in a pool fully clothed
23. Pay for a strangers groceries
24. Spend New Years Eve in Time Square
29. 
    

So, I think I'm ready for 26. I hope 26 is ready for me! Here's to the start of my "late twenties" and living a life I could have never imagined.