All Out Bitch Fest

Once upon a time 2 girls became college roommates. Then shit hit the fan. The end. It's a well known fact that girls are capable of being vicious to other girls in ways that we would, otherwise, never treat another human being. We know how to hurt each other deeply. Men seem to have the ability to argue and put it away. A few punches and it's over and done. They will be friends forever. However girls have a way of cutting each other down that goes back to biblical times. My currently story is nothing less than an all out bitch fest. I will say I did my best to keep my cattiness to a minimum but hey, truthfully, we are all daughters of Eve.

I wish I could say I understood where it all started to go wrong. If I knew what had happened I could fix it or at least say, "well I tried." but unfortunately that is not the case here. We will rename my roommate, just in case and call her...Anne. The school connected Anne and I as we both were planning to live off campus. As many of you have heard first hand, I was so incredibly thankful for Anne in my life. She was outgoing, friendly and hardly "prude" which was a slight fear of mine considering I was attending a small private college in backwoods Georgia. From a few vague conversations I could tell Anne had a traumatic event happen in her childhood which still had its hold on her so many years later. I honestly hoped that I could be a trusted shoulder and open ears for her as we grew our friendship. As I've mentioned before my past isn't exactly spotless, some of which I had no control over and that is the exact reason I wanted to be here in the first place. To pour my life into hurting women. I had high hopes for Anne and my's friendship. I struggled on my own with my place here in college, adapting to so much change and distance from home and my failed expectations of what this new chapter in life would be but Anne and I remained constant friends. We both have similar traumatic events happen in life and I knew it wasn't easy for either of us to let our guards down but I had hoped and prayed it would soften over time. For awhile we were all each other had here. The problem is, while I was living with my heart open, Anne was not who she pretended to be. She plays the part so many "religious" women do. She acts sweet, innocent, Godly, wholesome. And she does it incredibly well. Maybe I was blinded by my own troubles but I never saw it until it was too late. I suppose that's being dramatic but just wait. The story gets better! Soon after Christmas break Anne changed. She started being rude and passive-aggressive towards me. At first I thought it was me. What the heck had I done? So I shied away from her. I stopped seeking her out to watch movies with me or eat dinner together. But, looking back, I see that those actions only fueled her meanness. Around the same time I had my car repossessed. (that's a WHOLE other tear-jerking story.) And Anne continued in her quest to be underhanded and mean at any possible moment. She was sneaky about it though. It was never outright and forward. She would make me beg her for rides to school even though we were on campus the exact same times every day and then again when it was time to go home. If I didn't out right ask her she would leave without me. Soon living with her was depressing and unbearable. She was just so horrible to be around and I couldn't understand. To top it off the only other students I spent anytime with since I started working full time was our neighbors Jason and Tyler. I adore those boys and for awhile the 4 of us did a lot together. We called it "family time." Suddenly Anne and Jason were not talking to each other but she wouldn't tell me why. So now the boys are banned from our apartment and I have to choose between their friendships and supporting my roommate. I chose Anne. I even told her that her friendship comes before boys. Because isn't that what most girls want to hear from their girlfriends? "You are my friend before some stupid boy that hurt your feelings." Although I didn't understand her new found hatred for Jason I desperately hoped to patch things up between us and willingly stood by her. It's hard not to feel bitter after you're tricked by someone you trust. Women who find out their husbands have whole other family in another state or kids who find out they were adopted must have incredible trust issues! I thought I had finally gotten over my trust issues. I hate when people say "Everything happens for a reason." That's crap. Is there a reason a girl gets raped but a trusted family friend? Is there a reason kids starve to death every day? However I do believe God is always in control and while I don't understand why Anne was put in my life I trust Him. Eventually living with Anne become unbearable and I started to consider moving home to California. I couldn't take her anymore but I had nowhere else to go. Eventually she just moved out. One day while I was at work she gathered her mom and brother and moved out. It was like losing a sibling, or a husband. Suddenly my giant apartment was so empty. So many things unsaid, how could someone just walk away without any explanation knowing that their leaving would ultimately end in your own fall? I couldn't pay for our apartment alone but had nowhere else to go and no car to drive me to another place, even if I could. I feel so hopeless. What good could come of such pain and hurt? What am I doing all alone in this stupid state anyways?
(Written 5/4/2012)