For so long I've feared making a mistake in my life. Worrying, "If I take this leap will I fall?" "Will this turn out to be the worst idea I've ever had?" That worry has stopped me from taking many chances. Shane Clairborne says "Why tiptoe through life, only to arrive at death safely?" So I took this chance, spread open my wings, trusted my God, and leapt into the unknown fully trusting and assuming I would learn to fly. Isn't that the cliche? "Spread your wings and you'll learn to fly"? Instead I'm lying flat on my face. I took that leap, attempted that flight but failed. And I'm stunned. Why? How did I get here? I left home so hopeful, so ready to take on this new chapter, following God wherever He took me...in the journey I feel like he left me? I've heard other Christians say they have gone through "valley's" where they didn't feel God closely. Personally I always thought that was a little weird. How can you not FEEL the GOD present?! How can you just wake up one day and lose Him? Doesn't he promise to be with us in those valley's? (Psalm 23:4). Everything I have every known has fallen away. Everything I have built is broken around me. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, I am understanding, even in the slightest, how Job felt. To see everything you've worked hard to build crumble at your feet. And you are powerless before it. How could God allow this kind of despair when I was following Him? There's a story we never really hear. What happened to the disciples lives after they left everything to follow him? Did everything they work for up until that time fall away? Did they miss it? When the set out to follow Jesus were they disappointed in the journey? As much as they grew to love Jesus was there every a moment where they wish they had stayed safely in that boat catching fish?
(Written 11/18/2011)
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