Title? Who needs a title when you only write once a year...

I was sitting here unwinding some yarn that got tangled and suddenly thought..."I never write in my blog..." seriously...that was the extent of the thought. So here I am...

The title of my blog is livin' on my prayers. Mostly because the last few years God has really revealed how vast and essential prayer really is. And most days it really is what I'm living off of. My current prayer has been regarding a passion. I realized I don't really have a passion. Life leading up to me being an adult is littered with wounds, pains and abuse that left me only wanting to survive. And although God continues to heal me and move me forward I tend to fall back into the survival mode. I never dream or plan; just exist the best I think I know how. But I realize that is no way to live and not the life my Father has for me. So...where do I begin? Duh...prayer. (Haven't you caught on by now?) A few months ago I started out like I do with most new things. Talking to God. Usually goes something like this - "I have no idea where to start or even what to look for but Father I do know that I no longer want to just survive-timidly tiptoe-ing through this life. I want to live like Ruth, Ester or Deborah. Boldly stepping out knowing You are leading every step." A few weeks after starting this I visited a church in Redding, CA called Bethel. Let's just say amazing. If you ever get the chance to visit - your socks will be knocked clean off! (And good luck getting them back on.) While visiting I heard they have a school of ministry. In the same week a friend and I were talking and he said, "You know God's calling you to ministry right?" My response? "Uhhh...suuuuure..." But God is so patient! It took me awhile but I grasped where He was going with all this! After more prayer, awesome blessings, a few surprises and MUCH encouragement from my church family, Here I am making plans to move to Redding and start their School of Supernatural Ministry in September of 2011. (http://www.ibethel.org/site/bethel-school-of-supernatural-ministry) Seriously...it's legit! :)

Although I am still praying for new passions and dreams this is definitely a start! For so long I was plagued by the spirit of fear. I feared failing to the point of never trying anything. At least on anything I knew was possible to fail at, at least for me. I did safe things. (Hello...I crochet! Not that there's anything wrong with it. I love it. But seriously...how much more safe can you get?)

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

I am no longer a slave to fear! I dream, laugh, cry (I'm making up for 20 years of not crying!) and do my best to live vulnerably knowing that God is helping me protect my heart. Which, of course, doesn't mean I don't hurt. Actually I hurt more these days then ever before. But I rejoice that God has made my heart whole again! And it feels. It feels love, hope, joy, sorrow, pain, strife, and God centered worship. (Have you ever felt worship in your heart? It feels awesome!) Here's a quote I love to quote. :)

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of live is Hell." (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

I've had the unbreakable, impenetrable heart. It's not fun...it's safe, but not fun. Rather, it's boring. Nothing touches you, inspires you, reaches you. And that my friends, is not the way I want to live. So here we go...open heart and outstretched arms...take me Father for my life and heart is all yours!

I think I started to ramble...

Have you ever noticed that the more vulnerable you get the more you crave growth? The more I lock myself up and refuse to let people in the more I am determined to stay exactly where I am. Which, of course, isn't what God desires for us. He loves us enough that He wants to grow us. But growing is so painful sometimes!! I'm learning to be vulnerable to those around me. It isn't easy. In fact, I flippin hate it! Especially when it comes to Christians. Even though I am one...and I deeply long for my friends to trust me. It just isn't that way for myself. Of course I guess that does have something to do with my experience of literally being asked to LEAVE the church I grew up in. (That's a blog for a WHOLE other day...) As God continues to break me of this fear and I begin to trust and open up to those around me I have been blessed with something so beautiful! Friendship. Love. Prayer. Pursuance. I literally had 2 friends persue me tonight until I relented with tears in my eyes. Letting go of that fear to be vulnerable in front of my friends has been painful and what I'm going through right now is painful but I can see the growth and that is so encouraging. To know that although I feel pain right now...I have hope! Not hope that I alone create and run out of but hope that comes from an all consuming, unrelenting, graceful, loving Heavenly Father. Where do you feel vulnerable? Do you hide it from everyone? Or have you learned to reaveal your heart to those closest to you? How beautiful our hearts become when we learn to share them with others! We're human, and so are our friends, so it goes without saying that you may and will probably get hurt at some point along the way. But its so so very worth it! If and when it comes to that point, God will guide you. He will heal any brokeness you have. There is nothing to big or small for His love. And because of that I can take a step out in faith and know that revealing my heart, being vulnerable to those around me and trusting them is far more valuable and worth while than staying locked up tight just in case I may get hurt.